THE ADVENTURES OF LITERAL MAN!
At one point in his life, Literal Man owned and ran a small 'fruit and veg' shop in a shopping mall. Like many other of his endeavours, this one was doomed to fail. One day a lady came into his shop. She was an older lady, about forty or fifty, who had a pleasant smile and seemed to be in the mood for conversation. Attempting to engage in small talk was one of Literal Man's weaknesses, for reasons that he never quite understood, yet nevertheless he tried his best to make the lady feel welcome in his shop.
"I hope that you are having a good morning" he said as she walked towards him. She briefly looked confused at the unusual greeting. Not 'good morning'? Despite this she smiled and said;
"The morning will be good once it's over, just kidding! I'm fine, How are you?"
Literal Man was confused; by kidding, did she mean that it would be bad when it was over? Or that it was bad and she would appreciate it more once it as over? He decided to ignore it and answer the last part of the sentence.
"I am also "fine". Can I help you with something?"
"Oh I don't know..." she said as she casually strolled past the register where he stood, "...what do you think, should I buy a half a cauliflower or a whole? I'm not sure if it'll be enough"
"I am sorry I am unable to answer that question properly. I do not know you or your situation. I cannot advise you to purchase either option when I do not know what you are planning to do with the cauliflower, or even how many people you are feeding."
The lady again looked confused, but seeing Literal Man standing there with an apologetic look on his face she decided that he must have been joking around with her.
"Ha! You're funny. Do they all come as funny as you?"
"Who?"
"Shop owners you silly chicken!" she was smiling as she walked around the shop picking up items to buy.
"I assure you I have no idea. I have not attempted to be funny since you walked in here, yet even so I doubt that "all" the shopkeepers would be equally as funny as I am, as every person has a unique and inividual sense of humor. And where is it that you are implying that shopkeepers come from?" He decided to ignore the blatantly impossible supposition that he was a 'silly chicken'.
"Um... ok" she said, now looking at him with less of a smile on her face. "Wow, you really take everything literally don't you?'
"Taking "everything" literally is impossible. I would be unable to even so much as watch a television show, without thinking that the events in the fictional shows were "literally" happening or had actually happened. So no, I do not."
The lady was no longer smiling. She had encountered a man who had difficulty differentiating between literal meaning and implied meaning; Literal Man! She stopped looking around the shop and turned to face him. To her, Literal Man had crossed the border from joking to being flat out rude
"Um... yeah I was just joking." she said.
"When? "Just" meaning the last thing that you said? Or "Just" meaning that joking is all that you were doing?"
"What? what are you talking about? You're really strange"
"I am talking about what the intention of your usage of the word "Just" was when asking me your previous question. And why do you call me strange? I am previously unknown to you, unfamiliar as well, but that is to be expected. We have never met before"
"Uh... what? You're being a jerk aren't you? I have to tell you I'm not appreciating this at all. Who wants to come into a store and be asked a whole pile of stupid questions every time I say something?"
Literal Man stood there for a moment, trying to make sense of her latest confusing statement. He could feel that somehow he had once again failed in his attempt to have a conversation with someone, and once again he would never quite understand why. He could sense her getting angrier.Every where he went, whatever job or business he tried to run, the same type of person had to be dealt with. He always encountered people who said illogical, even ludicrous statements.
"Madam I apologise, I am not attempting to be a jerk at all. I am sorry if you believe that, and I wouldn't appreciate it myself either. And, well I am unable to say who would want to come into a store to be asked a "pile" of stupid questions every time you say something. Frankly, I find that whole scenario quite bizarre. What shop? Why would you be there? Who would ask the questions? I would almost suggest to you that it was a "stupid" question to ask me"
"Oh!" said the lady, who did not like hearing that she had asked a stupid question, her eyes now flaring outrage and anger. "You're unbelieveable if you think I'm going to stand here and take **** from you. You should learn to keep that horses arse you call a mouth closed, you piece of ****!" She said this with a raised voice as she threw the items she was carrying on the ground and started walking out of the shop.
Literal Man was now offended himself. This was not someone he wanted shopping in his place of business, as she was clearly insane! he followed her out of the shop, now raising his own voice in frustration
"Well, I honestly hope that I would not be believed if I suggested that you recieve faeces from me, which I did not suggest, because I would never do that! And I do not own a horse Madam! I do not see any reason why I should keep its "arse" closed even if I did own one, that would be pointless and bizarre. Even more bizarre if I called that horses "arse" a mouth. I would have to be quite stupid to make such a mistake.You Madam, are not welcome in my shop! I believe you are insulting me when you call me a piece of... ****" Literal Man said the last word with disdain, for even though he had a habit of offending people, without understanding why or how he did it, he still believed in using good manners.
"Fine!" yelled the lady from outside the shop as she turned to face him hands on her hips. A few people in the mall stopped to look their way. "See how I care! Shove all your fruit up your arse! Jump off a cliff you evil freak! There is no way that I would ever want to come back into your shop, ever! Not in a million years!" The lady strolled off at a fast pace. The many confusing elements of her last statement simply floored Literal Man... all his fruit up his arse?
"You would be dead long before a million years had passed, lady!" he yelled after her.
"AAARRRRRGH" she screamed down the mall past startled onlookers.
Literal Man sighed. This was all too familiar to him. He may as well close down the shop and find something else for to do for a living. Like everything else that he ever tried, this was not going to work for him, he could tell.Maybe it was something he was doing wrong, he thought. How well could this business go, if that lady was anything to go by? After all, she was his first customer...
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